


Shopping

by leere



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Humor, Shopping, idk "humorous" bullshit i wrote late at night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-10
Updated: 2014-11-10
Packaged: 2018-02-23 20:38:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2554877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leere/pseuds/leere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joe and Patrick go grocery shopping with Declan; people assume things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shopping

"We need baby food," Patrick said, inspecting the shopping list Elisa had handed him. "A lot of it. And lobster for dinner. Ooh, yum."

"Why do I need to shop with you, though?" Joe groaned, holding Declan in his arms. The baby screeched and yanked at Joe's curls, and the guitarist made a face and tried to pull the grabby infant away from his hair, but to no avail. "Patrick, could you take your kid? He's hurting me."

"We'll put him in a cart in a minute." Patrick turned to coo at his son, saying, "Declan, baby, hey! Don't hurt Uncle Joe, that's not nice." He made a sad face, and Declan babbled something incoherent and whacked Joe on the head with his fist.

"Ow!" Joe yelped, holding the kid at arms length like he had an extremely contagious disease.

Patrick sighed and went to grab Declan, and the baby stuck his arms out, reaching for Patrick. The singer smiled and took his son, cuddling him to his chest. Declan cooed, happy, and Patrick smiled smugly at Joe, who rolled his eyes. "He's not my kid; he doesn't have to like me. I'll like him anyway, but I can't help it if he hates me."

"I'll train him to shit in your shoes when he's older."

"You dick, I'll kick both of your asses!"

Patrick laughed, approaching the row of carts. "'Kay, Joe, grab the diaper bag. There's wet wipes and a blanket in there. Wipe the basket thing down and then put the blanket in it."

"That's too much work."

"You know how many germs are on these things?" Patrick kicked at the nearest cart, then glared at Joe. "Do it. My baby isn't getting contaminated like that."

Joe rolled his eyes and huffed, but took the diaper bag from Patrick and did as he was told.

When Patrick was satisfied, he set Declan in the seat and buckled him in. The baby stared to lean to the left, so Patrick put a stuffed bear and a stuffed lion on either side of him to hold him up. Declan slammed his hands against the cart and shrieked happily, so Patrick smiled and pushed it into the store. Joe followed, whining, "Goddamnit, why am I even here?"

"Because you're staying at my house, and Elisa was getting tired of you laying around and eating and watching shitty TV, so she sent you to annoy me instead."

"Oh. Oh, yeah."

People started looking as they went through the store, but no one approached them. Patrick's cheeks burned, and he wondered if anyone here recognized them, or if they were just looking because two guys and a baby - wait. Two guys and a baby. Shit-

"Hey, oh my God, Fall Out Boy!" Patrick and Joe turned as a fan, a woman around twenty, ran up, smiling wide ran up and beaming down at the baby. "Oh my God, Declan. Holy shit, Tumblr was so excited about you, little guy!"

Patrick instantly moved closer towards Declan, probably being overprotective, but he'd found in the last few months that he had a unusually strong maternal instinct for a dude, and even if he was five feet tall, nobody was fucking with his baby. But Declan giggled and reached for the fan, and she smiled but didn't touch him, and Patrick respected her for respecting him.

"Hi," she said, offering her hand to Joe, then Patrick. "I'm Emily. Been a fan since the beginning; I was at the last Arma show when I was thirteen. My dad was in the scene."

"That's awesome," Patrick smiled. He always loved running into fans, loved listening to their stories, as long as they kept calm and didn't assult him when Marcus wasn't around to protect him.

"I know it's probably irritating when you're trying to shop, but can I get a picture?"

"Of course," Patrick said, and Joe agreed with, "Yeah, yeah, sure!"

Emily didn't even ask to get Declan in the picture, and it was fans like her that Patrick truly loved. He loved all of them, of course, - even the... even the fanfiction writing ones... - and he owed them everything, but it was ones like her that mattered most, because they were there for the same reason he was; for the music. Just for the music.

They continued through the store, met two more fans, and then they were finally at the baby food isle. Patrick looked at all the choices and chewed his lip, and Joe lingered nearby on his phone. Declan seemed contented enough by all the colors of the grocery store, though he yelled sometimes and pointed to certain things. Joe would tell him what they were - at one point, a beautiful, curvy lady walked by, and Declan pointed to her and screeched. "Yeah, Declan, that's a hot mamacita," Joe said, winking at the woman. She'd smiled at Declan while passing, but now she scowled at Joe and walked faster. In a shitty imitation of one Gabe Saporta, who always got the ladies, he yelled, "Aye, mami, come back to me!" and said something that was probably offensive in Spanish. The lady flipped him off over her head and stormed away, and Joe frowned and looked down at Declan, who grinned up at him, showing two little teeth.

Patrick glanced at him, looking unamused. "Don't teach my kid how to flirt, Joe. You seriously suck at it."

"Shut up, I'm having an off day."

Patrick snorted and rolled his eyes.

Now, as Patrick looked over the baby food, a teenager walked down the isle, dressed in short shorts and a tight One Direction t-shirt. She stopped, stared, then smiled widely at Joe, Patrick, and Declan. "Oh my God, you're all so cute! Look at you guys, with your little family, and, ooh, I love your hat!"

Patrick glanced at Joe, eyebrows raised.

"Cutest couple ever," the girl decided, walking away. She turned, smiled at them again, waved at Declan, and then disappeared from their sight.

"Ga!" Declan shouted, and it sounded just a bit like 'gay!' as he pointed to his dad and Joe in turn.

"Shut up, kid," Joe said.

"Don't tell my kid to shut up." Patrick grabbed a handful of the baby food jars and set them in the cart, fixing Joe with the gaze he often reserved for Pete when he was being an ass.

Joe had grown immune to Patrick's bitch face after all these years. "A damn ten month old is saying we're gay, Patrick. Someone needs to put him in his place."

"He's a baby; he's not gonna listen to you."

"He'll fucking listen if I say he'll listen."

"Watch your fucking language in front of my son, Trohman."

"Fuck you, you insulted me!"

Patrick glared at Joe, and Joe glared back. Then Joe sighed loudly. "You know what? We probably look like we're having a lover's quarrel. I am done with this conversation."

"Yep, me too."

Patrick eventually picked four dozen jars of baby food, and they made their way to the small area where meat, and seafood, was sold. A woman with short hair, tattoos, and piercings smiled at them. "What can I get you?"

Patrick told the woman what he wanted, while Joe sniffed the air and made a face. "Patrick, dude, your kid took a crap."

Patrick looked at him. "What?"

"You have to change his diaper now."

"Shit, I'm not that good at it."

"Did you not expect to need to change him at least once?"

"Well, I dunno, I was hoping I wouldn't have to!"

"Bathrooms are right over there," the woman said, holding out a bag of lobster and using it to gesture to the right.

"Thank you," Patrick said, putting the food in the cart before maneuvering it towards the restroom. "Do they have the changing tables in the men's rooms?"

"I don't know, do they?"

"Goddamnit." Patrick used the front of the cart to push the door open, and he went in, Joe closely following.

"Are you supposed to have carts in here?"

"I don't know, I don't care; I'm changing a baby."

A man in a suit was at the urinal, and he looked up as Patrick and Joe came in, thick eyebrows high on his wrinkled forehead. "Good afternoon."

"Ditto," Joe told the guy.

Patrick scowled. "No changing tables. That's sexist, what the hell?"

"I'm not going into the woman's restroom," Joe said as Patrick nodded at the business man and turned the cart, pushing it out the door.

Patrick turned to frown at him. "I need help, Joe."

"I am a famous rock star, and I will not walk into a woman's restroom in a public grocery store. People could see, Patrick!"

"God, you're ridiculous," Patrick huffed, but he pushed the cart out of the way, unbuckled Declan, and lifted him up, holding him over his shoulder. "Why is this kid so heavy?" he groaned, before slapping Joe's arm and flailing his hand at the diaper bag. "Gimme the fucking bag!"

Joe bent to grab it, and handed it to Patrick. "You are PMSing so much right now, wow."

"Shut up, You're a dick, fuck you."

"Point!" Joe called as Patrick rushed into the woman's bathroom.

Two of five stalls were occupied, and three women standing at the sinks - two teenagers and a thirty year old lady - all stared at him. He felt his cheeks turning pink, but he ignored their looks and fiddled with the changing table. With one hand, as difficult as it was, he laid a blanket out on the cold surface of the table and set his son down, tugging off his shoes, pants, then fumbling with the buttons of his onesie.

"Your son is adorable," the woman said, smiling down at Declan. "You're a good dad, taking care of his diaper like that."

Declan beamed at her, banging his hand against the changing table and gurgling. Patrick undid his diaper, making a face down at the poop. "Thank you," he told the woman, then said, "I'm still not very good at it, but I try."

"That's more than my dad does," the blonde teenager frowned, and her brunette friend patted her back sympathetically. Then she smiled, though it looked a bit forced. "How old is he?"

"Ten months in a few days." Patrick wiped Declan's bottom carefully, pursing his lips when he noticed that he was a little red. _Shit, he has a rash, and I don't have medicine or anything... shit._

The teenagers and lady left after smiling at the baby one last time, and Patrick used another four wipes to clean him. His own mother had told him, as she expertly changed Declan's diaper herself a few months back, "You can never wipe a baby enough; there's always going to be more poo poo or pee pee down there, no matter how many times you wipe 'em." and Patrick decided her normally abstract advice was actually valuable in this case.

He heard a zipper being done up and tried to ignore it, focusing on the slightly difficult task of putting a new diaper on Declan. A toilet flushed, and another, elderly woman stepped out. She looked at Patrick a moment, smiled, then went to wash her hands. Another toilet flushed, a lady in her twenties coming out of the stall. She beamed at Patrick. "I heard you talking earlier, and I just wanted to say, you seem like a great person. And your baby is so cute. I'm two months pregnant." She touched her stomach and looked down at it, smiling faintly.

"Congratulations to both of you," the old woman told them, drying her hands.

"Congratulations," Patrick agreed. "It's stressful sometimes, but it's definitely worth it."

Another woman came in with her young daughter, holding her hand. She smiled at Patrick, and he smiled back, briefly envying single fathers, because shit, all the ladies were talking to him. Women really did like men with children.

Just then, Joe peeked in. "Patrick, is everything okay?"

All the women's eyebrows shot up, and the pregnant one looked almost disappointed.

"Everything's fine, Joe. I'll be out in a sec."

"'Kay," Joe said, his fro disappearing as the door closed.

The elderly woman left, and the other woman went into a stall with her daughter. The pregnant lady washed her hands, glancing up at Patrick. "That's your husband, huh?" Her eyes flickered to Patrick's ring.

Patrick stopped pulling Declan's jeans on to gape at her. "Joe and I aren't married! We're - we're not married. I'm married to a woman, and he is too. He's my friend, and we're just shopping together."

"Oh!" she spluttered, turning pink. "I'm so sorry, I thought - I just assumed - I shouldn't have. I'm sorry."

"Yeah. We're - no."

She apologized a few more times, and skipped drying her hands to leave as quickly as she could. Patrick sighed and lifted his finally fully clothed baby, going outside. Joe, and their cart, was nowhere to be seen.

"Goddamnit, that fucker left us," Patrick grumbled, then looked at Declan, alarmed, and said, "Oops, sorry." Declan stared at him, managing to look both accusatory and oblivious at the same time. 

Patrick exhaled loudly and adjusted Declan's position so he could hold him more comfortably. He set off to find Joe, turning into an isle - and instantly ran into a tall, bald guy.

"Hey, excuse me," he said, tilting his head back to stare up at the giant guy, "have you seen a sort of tall, Jewish guy with brown, curly hair that's, like, a jungle? And he has really blue eyes, and he's pushing a cart-"

"I haven't seen your fucking boyfriend, leave me the hell alone." The guy shoved past Patrick, a scowl set on his face.

Patrick gaped, half because there was another goddamn person assuming Joe and him were together, and half because, seriously, that was fucking disrespectful!

"Fuck you, dude, get some fucking manners!" he yelled after the guy, who either didn't hear him or just ignored him.

Patrick scowled and stomped down the isle, headed for the front so he could ask a cashier to call Joe up. "Fucking Trohman," he grumbled, "fucking ditching me and my fucking kid-"

"Patrick, hey!"

Patrick turned and saw Joe hurriedly pushing the cart towards him. He scowled, going to meet him halfway. "Where the hell were you? I got hassled by some dick because I was asking around for you."

"I was waiting, and then I was like, 'hey, I have to pee,' so I went to pee."

Patrick blinked. "Oh."

"Yeah. So. Your arms are probably tired. Wanna put the kid in the cart again?"

"Yeah, I'll put Declan in the cart." Patrick did, carefully, then turned to glare at Joe. "Don't call him 'the kid'. He has a name. What if I called you 'the guitarist' or something?"

"Then I'd call 'the bassist' and have him tell you to knock it the hell off."

Patrick ignored him and stole the cart, pushing it quickly towards the check out area. Joe rolled his eyes but followed.

One lane was empty, and they went into that one, Patrick smiling at the cashier and Joe pouting behind him.

"Aw, your baby is precious!" the woman cooed, ringing their stuff up. "You two are very lucky."

Patrick started to say for the twentieth time, "We're not gay, ma'am; I'm married to a woman, and this is my baby, and this is my friend," but Joe hooked an arm around Patrick and beamed and said, "Thank you! We were so happy when Patrick's sister agreed to be the surrogate mother - we wanted little Declan here to have a piece of us both." Joe winked at the lady - Amanda, her name tag said - and added, "We have another at home."

"That is so cute! I'm so glad gay marriage is finally legal here." Amanda gestured to their wedding rings. "My best friend is a lesbian, and she was so happy when she got to marry her girlfriend of six years."

"We've been going strong for thirteen," Joe smiled widely. "I'm suprised he hasn't left my ass yet; he puts up with so much of my shit."

Patrick decided to stay silent as he bagged all the baby food. He was fuming, and Declan, who had previously been giggling and smacking his toy against the side of the basket he was in, sensed his bad mood and started crying.

"Shh, shh," Patrick said instantly, moving to coax a bottle between the baby's lips. He started singing the lullabye he and Pete arranged for Bronx when he was born, and Declan quickly quieted, his eyes going half-lidded and one of his little fists latching onto Patrick's thumb.

Joe and Amanda both watched, smiling, when the old man behind them said, "Could you hurry it up?"

"Sorry," Joe said, poking Patrick. "Babe," he grinned, "c'mon, let's go."

Amanda glanced at the line - just two people behind them - and said, "My break is now. Lane closed." She pushed a button, and the number 4 high above them flickered off. The old man and a younger Asian woman both huffed and stormed away.

"So where'd you two get married?" Amanda asked, leaning forward and looking at Joe.

"Family ceremony in Canada," Joe said, and Patrick nearly slapped him because of all places to get married, Canada? Fucking Canada? "It was pretty cool. Literally freezing. But it was snowing, and it was all in his hair, and he just looked beautiful." Joe beamed at Patrick, then at Amanda. "And, y'know, of course the after-wedding sex was pretty great too-"

"Okay, yeah, I think it's time to leave now." Patrick said.

Joe said goodbye to the cashier, then followed Patrick outside. He tried to lace their fingers, but Patrick slapped his hand away. "Stop it, asshole. That was degrading."

"It was a joke!"

"Yeah, I'm not laughing."

Joe shrugged as they unloaded the stuff in the cart into the trunk of Patrick's car. "I don't care if we fight now, because the make-up sex will be amazing."

He barely ducked fast enough to avoid the baby food jar Patrick chucked at him. He turned, saw the green beans and glass splattered and shattered on the ground, and turned to gape at Patrick.

Patrick widened his eyes to look more innocent. "Oops," he drawled. "Sorry, _babe_." He turned to put another bag of baby food in the trunk, singing that Usher and Nicki Minaj song loudly to himself.

Joe's eyes narrowed - this was fucking war - and he stepped forward and grabbed Patrick's ass. The singer jumped up, _if you only knew_ dying on his lips, then turned to look at Joe and shrieked, "Don't fucking do that!"

"Sorry, _babe_ , I couldn't resist. Those jeans of yours are just _so_ tight." Joe smirked and went to get Declan out of the cart.

"Fucker! I'll piss in your room again!"

Joe lifted Declan and turned the baby to face Patrick, looking innocently at him. "That's not very nice."

Patrick looked between Joe, then Declan, then Joe again, and sighed loudly, slamming the trunk. "Forget it."

"Okay. So no make-up sex then? ...Ow, asshole, that hit my fucking forehead! Stop throwing things!" 

Later, Patrick was shopping with Pete. Saint and Declan sat in the cart together, and Bronx trotted along beside his father. An older woman smiled at them, opening her mouth to say something.

"We've been together fifteen years, and we were married in Hawaii," Patrick told her. Because Hawaii was much better and warmer than Canada. Fucking Canada.

Pete stared at him incredulously.

"Congratulations," the woman said, giving them all big smiles before walking away.

Pete stared at Patrick.

The blonde sighed loudly, dramatically. "A few weeks ago, with Joe, people kept saying-"

"Next time, you tell them we got married in Jamaica."

"What - Jamaica?"

"Yeah. Hawaii's overrated. As long as it's not the pothead-filled, ghetto part of Jamaica, that'd be hella cool to get married there."

Patrick stared at him a moment. Then he smiled. "Okay, yeah, Jamaica's cool."


End file.
